Kaelyn's Xanga

oh tra la la lally

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 21:50:16 GMT

So where have I been since December? Oh, mostly mired deep in the grey woods of my mind, as it were. Groping through the mists with my characteristic lack of any sense of direction. My room is a snapshot of blurring chaos right now, as I have 5 days in which to pack, and I don't mind the interim mess at all. It makes it feel like something is actually happening. Soon I shall be returning to the north, back to the land that somehow worked its way into my bones while I was just going about the regular business of growing up. There's no getting rid of it now. And if all, or even most, goes according to plan, it will be a very interesting summer.

-Svea

PS. Various bits and pieces of output can be found at http://korellyn.deviantart.com/

There are days I wonder if I’m not just an instrument after all.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 23:21:32 GMT

The following sentence showed up in my journal this afternoon:

You cannot hope to transcend that which you do not know intimately.

I’m not entirely certain what I think of it, except that it may merit future pondering.

Thoughts?

C's get degrees, but A's get you money

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 09:13:13 GMT

Hey. Just so you all know, I am now much better than I have been recently, because the semester is over and Christmas is over and I've got a bit of time to rest. I spent Christmas depressed and alone, which as far as I'm concerned is a considerable step up from spending it depressed and around a bunch of happy people, and having to try and pretend to be happy. So this is progress. For now I've just been reading and writing and drawing (and getting over a nasty cold), and while I've been better, I've also been much much worse.

The other day I looked at the costs for the grad program I want. They're substantial. If I get my shit together and get extremely high marks (as opposed to fairly high marks) for the rest of my undergrad, I can probably get somebody else to pay for a big chunk of it. I'm only taking four classes this semester, and most of them are interesting, so I know if I put in the work I am capable of getting A's in all of them.

*le sigh* Hey, it beats having a job while trying to get a my master's. And it might be just the sort of motivation I need kicking me in the ass when I'm procrastinating.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 11:42:16 GMT

This is very odd, but after months of social isolation, I am suddenly meeting interesting people left right & center out of absolutely nowhere. Not in any romantic sense, but in the sense that I may have people to actually talk with about the things I spend so much time thinking abount. That would be lovely.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 03:06:49 GMT

And now I'm right fucked.

I was doing pretty good til about 1pm this afternoon. Got up early, got through 4 and a half chapters by that time, and then I decided to take a nap. Bad call. It's now 8pm and I have 2.5 more chapters to get through, plus probably a good couple more hours of English review before I can allow myself to sleep.

The worst part is that I don't even feel any more rested.

I guess the good part is that now I've got the pressure I need to actually get shit done. I'm sure I'll be quite productive tonight and tomorrow morning. It will just be highly unpleasant, as always.

the dismal science

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 15:24:53 GMT

Today must be devoted to studying economics. I’d much rather spend the day gnawing off my own leg, but the exam’s tomorrow and I can’t avoid it any longer. If I buckle down and get through these seven chapters I need to review, I know I’ll be fine. I just don’t want to do it.

The obvious question here is: why didn’t I start sooner? I don’t have a good answer for that. Part of it is that historically I have always been able to leave studying to the last minute and come out with a perfectly acceptable mark, so why bother starting sooner? At least this way I’ll get it all over with in one chunk.

And then after tomorrow I’m burning the textbook and all of my notes for that class. I’ll be glad I went through it, because the class did contain a lot of useful information, but I’ll be damned if I ever take another class on the subject because it was just not fun, and was generally downright depressing. And frustrating. And the prof was both an arrogant prick and a highly engaging teacher, which is an odd and uncomfortable combination, cause you feel you ought to hate him, but find yourself laughing at his dumb jokes anyways.

And yes, even this post was a last-ditch effort at procrastination. Go me.

There may be more of these as the day goes on and I get progressively more fed up with studying.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 21:03:08 GMT

My body is so incredibly screwed up right now. I've pulled three or four all nighters within the past week & a half without needing or wanting too. I think my body just couldn't deal with the idea I actually was giving it time to rest, so I did a lot of staring at the ceiling, and then catching short cat naps during the day just to keep myself going, which of course means I can't sleep at night, but then I have to get up and accomplish stuff during the day.

For instance, I'm about to go write a final after having had 3 hours of sleep in the past 26 hours or so. And I've barely studied (which is my own fault). The really entertaining part is that I'll probably do just fine on it. So far Syntax has been a ridiculously easy class, and I did really well on both the midterms.

I know eventually the human body will give out if you screw it around too much in terms of sleep. I've got a week between this final and the next, and I think I'm just going to sleep when I'm tired and get stuff done when I'm not, and not try to worry about a sleep schedule. At this point I just need some rest.

A week and a half til finals are over. That's as far ahead as I can see right now. A week and a half. God that's sad. What a brutal semester this has been.

question

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 00:44:03 GMT

I've got this character who suddenly presented himself to me this evening. He's a fairly intelligent but otherwise mostly average guy who bears a striking resemblence to my manipulative asshole ex-boyfriend in terms of background and modus operandi, who decides to go start picking off celebrities, specifically those who have utterly betrayed the ideals they used to stand for, but he's a little psychotic, so the only justification he bothers with is that they pissed him off somehow. His story would be told in installments, one celebrity killed each time, in a periodic blog sort of thing.

If nothing else, writing it would let off a lot of the frustration that typifies my life these days. But how much shit would I catch for it, do you think? Would you be pissed off, or would you actually read that story? It especially counts if you would be pissed off, or it would make you feel really uncomfortable, but you find yourself reading it anyways.

I'm not even really sure what I'd be saying in that story, what the point of it would be. Maybe just exploring and expressing my frustrations with the conundrums I find myself faced with these days.

Or maybe I'm just a shit disturber, but I think writing this guy's story would actually be a helluva lot of fun.

Thoughts? Anyone?

Discoveries of the evening:

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 05:00:18 GMT

1. Upon reflection (triggered by sitting around with my room-mate watching hockey cause I really needed a break from the english paper I'm working on), I realized I was incapable of naming the 6 Canadian teams in the NHL. I had four that I knew for sure and two where I knew the city but not the name. One of those I recognized immediately upon hearing and went "d'oh!", but the other I had no clue. I'd never really thought about it before. If you're not from Canada, be aware that this is like being Christian & not knowing the 10 Commandments, or being an economist who doesn't know who came up with that invisible hand idea.

2. My room-mate is 26 years old and only found out this evening that Canada actually has senators. He apparently thought only the US has senators, and that the Ottawa hockey team name was... what? A joke? C'mon here buddy.

3. My CMNS 110 final exam has been cancelled for no apparent reason. This means I am entirely, completely finished with that class, which is nice, but I'd better have pulled off a decent paper that hellish night because now it's worth 40% of my grade. The midterm's now worth 35% though, and I know I did really well on that, so I should be OK.

I still have a lot of work to do tonight, but meh, I'll live. For once I've had a decent amount of sleep recently. And I have 2-bite brownies in my cupboard!
Joy.

-Svea

shameless self-promotion

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 00:34:51 GMT

Since I apparently did such a good job at the weird writing party/event/thingie, I've recently been given free blog-space on www.propagate.ca. Don't worry, I shan't be abandoning Xanga, since that's much more of a public-audience type thing, whereas I'm way more careful about who I let know about this one. But in any case, if you're interested, the link is

http://view.propagate.ca

Check it out, and feel free to pass the link around.

-Svea